Six months ago, I had reached the end of my rope. I was
quite literally done. I had heard for the last time “Heavenly Father only gives
you the challenges you can handle.” I
was tired of hearing the indirect judgmentalism that is inherent in that so
‘too often’ quoted phrase (one by the way no one can figure out who originally
quoted, because we know it wasn’t Christ who said it.)
I never thought that I would survive that time. I just
wanted it all to end. Now it a faded memory as I realize that it wasn’t me who
got through it. It was only through the tender mercies of the Lord that I was
able to be carried through this. I am
still so ashamed that I allowed my faith in my Father in Heaven and my faith in
my rock here on earth to wane. How could I have ever doubted the only man I
will ever know again; the only man I ever want to know, the only man I have
been undeservedly blessed to have in my life and who always has loved me unconditionally.
…
Who is this man sitting next to me in church? A million
thoughts are racing through my brain. I was so careful this time. We had a long
romance. We spent so much time getting to know each other first. It was hard
because I was so attracted to him. I was never quite sure early on if he felt
the same way. Now I know why he was
slow. He was the one who wanted to establish a foundation of friendship. I only
thought that this was his way of keeping me on the hook. But he owned me from the minute we met. He
owned every part of me; my heart, my soul and my body, if it had ever come to
that. I don’t know that I would have resisted because I loved him so much. That sounds so shallow because it was so much
more than that. I wanted him. I wanted only him and no one else. I knew we
would be together. The time we spent learning about each other just confirmed
that, one day after another.
Once he warmed up to me, there was no holding back this
great man. He protected my heart as if it were his own. I know …. I KNOW that he would have given his life
for me and he would have done it in a heartbeat. It was almost as if he already
had decided that, if it were ever to happen.
He wasn’t the most physically attractive man I had ever
known or been with, at least from what I remember, at first; but I swear his
looks changed as he took my heart. When he would look into my eyes, he didn’t
just look. His eyes were direct from his soul and when he looked at me, he saw
all of me. He saw it all because I gave it all to him; every secret, every wish,
every fear, every stupid illogical thought that ever went through my head. And
he would just smile and tell me that he loved me more for trusting him with …
me. And I am reminded of this even more
so now, as I didn’t trust him.
It was truly a miracle that we made it to the Temple. And
again, I have him to thank for that. I am weak. I know how much he felt for me
which embarrassed me even more that I could not be as strong as he was. That
all went away however, as I saw his weaknesses, his humanness. He taught me the
true meaning of the Atonement; something that I will be eternally grateful to
him for.
We connected physically in ways that I never did before nor
imagined two lovers could. I truly got a
glimpse of eternal companionship through the act of making love with him. From
our wedding night till now, he was the most giving man I had ever been with. At
times I felt guilty as to how much he paid attention to me, how much he truly
loved to give to me when we were together. I truly believe that he would have
been perfectly happy to just give. I knew from the moment he first kissed me
what kind of lover he would be. The right men are just like that. It isn’t a
matter of technique but it is a matter of attention and strangely enough what
they do with their eyes. The first time we kissed, it is not that he crassly
undressed me with his eyes, but his eyes
…. asked me … first. They slowly approached my soul and gently knocked
first before .. “taking me” in his heart. His lips told me everything I needed
to know and want from him. His lips caressed mine as his hands caressed my
heart. And he knew I was giving my heart to him from that moment. The way his hands held my face, the way his
eyes spoke to me, the way he caressed my hair, were all part of the message ..
the message that our hearts and souls spoke and our bodies spoke to each other.
I ached for him as he held me close, but we both knew our limits, but again, I
knew he was going to have to help me. I knew I loved him and would never love
another from the moment of that first kiss.
That was a little over four years ago.
Then, something changed in him (was it just him?) Something
began to rise from deep inside of him. Something that I never knew was there.
Something that he has kept hidden from me. And that is what hurt me the most. I
gave him EVERY part of me. I gave him parts of me that NO ONE else knew or
would ever know about. And whatever it is, it was killing us.
I had to do something about it. We sat down after another
deathly quiet dinner. I left the plates on the table. I had it all planned out.
I was angry. I wanted him to know I was angry and yes I wanted him to know that
I was going to leave him. I slowly walked over to him on the couch as he sat in
silence and stood in front of him, knowing what I had to say, but for the first
time in a long time, feeling the firm but quiet voice of the Spirit
constraining me, at least for the moment. He looked up at me, with tears
flowing down his face. My feelings of anger and frustration began to flow out
of the deepest parts of my being, as I fell to my knees and hugged him as I
haven’t done in a very long time. My emotions flowed from me as tears poured
down my face.
I knew that he had to decide to come to me and I knew he
knew it. He knew I was there for him. He knew I was always there for him, but
this, whatever this was, was bigger than both of us.
We said nothing as went to bed and began the physical process
of reconciliation in each other’s arms. We both desperately needed each other
at that moment. I believe to this day that this is one of the true blessings of
physical intimacy that Heavenly Father has given to us; to connect our bodies
and our souls to each other at times that we need each other the most.
As we lay in each other’s arms, just holding each other, I
whispered one word to him; “Please”. It was then that he told me what had begun
to change him; what secret he had buried long ago, but could not keep from me
any longer.
I was expecting the worst; any one of several “worsts”. The
first, being of course what any women worries about. After that, I just didn’t
know; that he was dying, a financial problem, some kind of criminal past that
has caught up with him?
We didn’t have children. I always knew I couldn’t have
children. I had had multiple relationships where this was a red flag issue; but
not for William. I think that this is what drew me the most, at least initially
to him. With him, I had to tell him early on in the relationship. We both knew
right from the start that we had a chance together. I had to get that out of
the way. It wasn’t the fact that he accepted me regardless of my inability to
have children, it was the way he accepted it. His first and only reaction was
not for “his loss” but for mine. When I told him, all he did was hold me. That
is all he had to do.
I knew that William had members of his family that he was
not close to. There were some in his family that he rarely spoke about. All
families have their black sheep issues. I always just accepted that for what I
thought it was; just family “stuff”. I could never be more wrong. Do you know how, at times, you are involved
in a situation or a discussion and you literally feel as if you are having an
out of body experience? This is exactly how I felt, with William in my arms, as
vulnerable as a man can be, telling me that he and his sisters had been abused,
badly, when they were children, by two family members. They were convicted and due to a quirk in the
sentencing guidelines, were being released soon.
I couldn’t grasp what I was hearing. My emotions and mind
were overwhelmed; Why didn’t he ever tell me this before? Didn’t he trust me?
But maybe this is something that is so bad for a man, that he had to bury it? My
poor poor man. How could anyone do this to a child? How terrible must this
burden have been for my sweetheart to have carried it alone for so long.
All I could think to do was to hold him, and cry with him.
It was then at that precise moment that our healing began.
Why? Because all he cared about was me.
It then struck me that I, yes I, had made this worse. I had started pulling
away from him and forcing him deeper within himself when I knew something was
wrong. I caused an amount of this hurt. And all he could care about was … me.
It was no exaggeration that at that moment I touched the
face of God. My sweetheart had suffered unspeakably
and immeasurably and the first thing he does is unconditionally forgive me for
my selfish self-centered pity. I did not deserve this man. But Heavenly Father,
in his ever infinite wisdom entrusted us to each other. And I was considering
leaving him.
Over the next several months, William was able to deal with
the implications of his assailants being released from prison. We found a
fantastic therapist, for both of us.
Our love and trust for each has reached places that I can
only describe as everything that I had always hoped for but never really
believed I would have. I think what has improved the most is the trust. In a
sense the trust and love we have now reaches into our innermost beings where
words are not necessary to reassure each other.
It is the difference between believing and knowing and it
has made all the difference in the world.
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