How Dare You Insult Me by Complimenting Me ... or Ten Easy Ways to Push Someone Away You Care For ...

Perhaps the most difficult trait to recognize within ourselves are our insecurities. Recognition of insecurities implies recognizing our weaknesses. It means we have to come face to face with those parts of our personality that we don't like but yet won't or either can't change, but perhaps more salient, accept and admit first to ourselves and then to others.

The inability then to admit those weaknesses to others closest to us results in relationships built on dishonesty.

Those insecurities; those reasons that we, rightly or wrongly, feel we don't measure up become the tool to push those away from us who recognize those insecurities in us, yet continue to want to be close to us.

Perhaps the reasoning goes something like this, at some level.
"We were close back then, and I got hurt. But it wasn't even the hurt, it was the naked exposure of those things that only I know about myself. And he was OK with it! Well, I am not. I don't share that part of me with anyone. How dare he want to get that close and see that part of me. I need those "prying eyes" out of my life. I WILL BE MUCH HAPPIER NOT BEING REMINDED OF MY INSECURITIES.

When the "dance" of these relationships has played themselves out in the now all too familiar script of:

• "uninvited" reaching out to us
• our finding (or creating) fault in that effort. How dare they as we lash back.
• then (and oh doesn't this drive us nuts) their total ignoring of our lashing out with their responses of kindness and understanding
• to which they finally give us what we want, their going away once and for all, recognizing that they can not allow their happiness to be held hostage any longer and they move on (and wishing us well when they do it. Damn, don't we hate it when they do that.)
• to which we usually send one more flaming arrow into the dead corpse of the relationship by accusing them of wishing us well, just to make us feel guilty; to which after time we feel sadness but we put that away because we are now "safe" without the prying eyes.

And the cycle starts up again with another of these so-called "friends" who wants to remind me of why I don't want anyone looking.

We aren't motivated to change now because that "thorn" in our side who has the audacity to see us as we are has gone away.

We are now back in our "safe", unthreatened world of our delusional self-absorption.

What we fail to understand is the utter destruction that we cause in others when we do this. We don't see this because we are so self-absorbed in our view of the world and of ourselves. What we don't recognize is first, the grace of forgiveness that a returning friend had to offer that we have now missed out on and then the carving out of our influence on their spirits and souls.  (Which is met by us with, eventually, "They are better off without me" as our guilt; the only real, true element of ourselves that we are willing to admit, finally closes the solitary dance.

LJBF

Anyone who is or was single has at one time or another has heard the heart-dropping phrase, "Let's just be friends." I don't know that I have ever heard this phrase used in a context that had positive connotations, at least initially when uttered. It is a phrase that we men loathe to hear, but more often than not, after the dust (and tears) have settled, if we are being honest with ourselves, probably knew it was coming all along. But, are we missing perhaps the greatest opportunity in life when we focus on what we want and perhaps miss the pleadings for true friendship with which we are being presented?

I believe that the idea of being "friends" with potential love interests does not have to have a negative connotation and if approached in a selfless, outward-looking, caring mindset can make all the difference in creating a foundation for a truly special long term relationship to flourish.

The reaction to "just" being friends, I am afraid to say, is in many cases a selfish response to circumstances that did not turn out the way we wanted them to, or simply because of another’s choice, or timing, or the need for our partner to assess her feelings. 

Oftentimes, it is true that someone else's behavior or demeanor or actions may make it impossible and undesirable to be friends, but in cases like these, it seems that we "defriend" those who are closest to us one day while the previous day, they were the most important person in our lives.

There is another aspect of "friendship" however as it relates to possible love interests that has more important implications. There is little argument that those of us, whether married, in relationships or wish to be in relationships, want that relationship to be with someone who is not only our lover, confidant, help-meet, but our best friend also. We know that lasting romantic relationships don't just happen. They must be developed and nurtured. It is also a fair assumption that a romantic relationship must be based on a foundation of friendship. So, how (and when) does that friendship get developed and nurtured as well? Does it have to happen before any romantic interests are acted upon? Can it be developed along with a romantic relationship?

It has been my observation, including observing myself, that when someone wants to be "friends first" or "just friends" this is generally not received well by men and I think for several reasons. I know that personally, I want to "know where things are at" or "where they stand" most of the time. Being friends first has a ring of uncertainty to it for us as men, but may be a critical decision for a woman to make. There are no guarantees of what will happen during that phase, but for some reason, a lot of single people want to jump to the romantic side, usually believing that the friendship can be developed in tandem with the romantic relationship. And granted, it can be very difficult to put those attractions aside or throttle them.

I have come to understand that, not only the accepting of such a proposition to be friends first, but active involvement and support, usually of the woman who wants to embark on this approach will do more for a potential long term relationship than perhaps anything else one can do. Why is that?

I have come to believe that this (when done in all honesty and without thoughts or plans of manipulation) commitment to developing a friendship, will do just that. It will allow the parties to get to know each other and develop a foundational friendship. I however believe that that friendship will often be a deeper friendship when the party that perhaps wanted a faster start on the romance sacrifices his or her desires in this area for the needs, wants and desires of their partner to explore the building of the foundation of the friendship first. I believe that, if recognized, this expression of trust and faith and PATIENCE will do more for a potential long term relationship than anything else they could have done.

Developing patience is always a positive activity and personal skill to develop. Nothing will ever be lost when in the pursuit of learning patience.

There is one other aspect that must be mentioned however in this relationship ritual and the concept of friendship. When one party implies that they want to be friends first, it is often put in a very conditional kind of way; that is, some form of "let's be friends and see what happens" is what is said or often an even "safer" approach is used; i.e. "I really want to be friends." For many men, this last statement while seemingly being the most direct is often interpreted or viewed as the most ambiguous. It goes like this. "She said she just wants to be friends. Well, she DIDN'T say that she didn't want more. She wants to spend time with me like she wants more, so maybe she really does want more." This is usually the time that the guy bails out on his previous commitments to being patient and usually kills the whole thing, by forcing an answer from his "friend", as in "OK, where do we really stand" etc. etc.

And this is really my point. It doesn't really matter (again assuming it is the woman that is pushing the friends first approach) at that time what her long term intentions are. It is what matters at the moment that matters most. She wants friendship from you. She wouldn't be investigating that if there was no chance at all for any kind of relationship. (If that really is the case that she only wants a girlfriend, you will probably know in not too long of a period of time or the first time you have a date with someone else and it is very possible you are simply being manipulated.) It is my belief that the asking for a foundation of friendship first IS an expression of trust on her part. If we answer with true concern and trust in return, a couple of things will happen. We will find out if in fact we really want more out of the relationship. She will likely be very open with us. This is what she needs to see in us. Can we be trusted with the confidence of her friendship before she trusts us with her heart?

We need to look on a request for friendship first as an opportunity, not as a thwarting of our intentions. We need to be honest and not manipulative during this phase, but truly engaged in the development of that friendship. If things work out, then a strong foundation has been put in place. If things don't work out, then at the very worst, we have saved time finding out things that would probably have taken us longer to find out, given that romantic entanglements often cloud our vision to the realities of interpersonal engagement and issues of compatibility.

But perhaps most important of all, we should never downplay the importance of what it means to be a good friend that can be relied upon and trusted.

Men? Patience is a skill that must be learned and developed. Give your “friend” room when she asks for it or even when it is implied. Trust me. She is more observant than it may feel. You will go home, wondering how much you matter, wondering when she will come to you and if there is someone else. You will wonder why she is confiding in you on one hand, and not extending the hand of intimacy to you. 

Here is the point. She is! The two most important elements that have attracted her to you is what she knows about you and the wish to trust you. Those MUST happen before she offers her heart of love. She would NEVER share with you if she didn’t at least want to trust you. Make it safe for her. Make your heart a place where her heart can be safe.

Women, just let your friend know that you are ever so thankful for what your “friend” means to you. I have always been amazed as to what a caring “thank you” can mean to me when expressed with meaningful eye contact. Above all, learn and experience and begin to trust. If he is the one to entrust your heart to, you will know it. And when you know it, act on it. Because you can NOT expect him to wait forever. Put that part of your ego aside. As much as you need him to show patience, he needs to know that he matters.