But I want it ... NOW!

“Patience - the gift of being able to see past the emotion. ”

Rodney Williams (born 1959);

Patience is by definition, the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Patience is also characterized as the "virtue of patience" or the "power of patience". Patience and perseverance are often dual linked concepts. Patience is developed, and nurtured much as a growing child and is often known to be as difficult as such.

Indeed, patience is more than a "nice to have" characteristic. Yes patience is a virtue but not for what it is, but for what it has the capacity to develop and enhance; our character. The key question however is why? Why does the acquisition of patience develop character.

The key to understanding this is to realize that it is not the acquisition of patience that develops character as much as the development of patience develops character.

But again, why is patience such a critical element in our character development? The key to answering this question lies in the understanding that the development of character lies in our ability to replace inward selfish looking with focus on others around us and appreciation and attention to someone other than ourselves.

The exercise of patience however is not simply a passive resignation to circumstances beyond our control or grim-faced pouting when we have to grudgingly defer selfish gratification. The exercise of patience is not passive but active. It is an affirmation of the of sacrifice as an element of our character development.

Successful development of patience as a character trait develops confidence in man's mastery over his circumstances. Patience, when acquired becomes a literal power; a power to be exercised as we elevate conscious reasoning over uncontrolled emotion. It is truly an exercise of man's mastery over his nature.

The true power of the exercise of patience however is only seen when exercised in our closest relationships. Classical thoughts of the exercise of patience deal with controlling personal urges with respect to eating, spending decisions and for a child simply learning that she doesn't get dessert at the beginning of the meal.

As with all truly eternal principles however, the power and magnitude of this virtue is shown to be greatest when we are putting aside our personal needs for the benefit of others. In the world of our most personal relationships, whether single, married or in a committed relationship or the desire for such it is the exercise of patience that is the manifestation of true love.

In deep relationships, especially for men, we often have a tendency to move quickly, too quickly. We have what we think is knowledge of what is "right" and the direction that a relationship needs to move. As with any personal interaction, there are considerations of our partner. This is where the exercise of patient bears its sweetest fruits, both for us and our partner.

It is very easy to fall into the trap, again often with men, that we are able to "see" things more clearly than our partner. Oftentimes, the opposite is true, we are blind to her thoughts, feelings and desires. The practice of patience, to allow our partner to come to us, of their own volition and in their own time will most invariably result in a more bonded relationship for the long term, as opposed to inducing pressure, even be it ever so subtle.

The exercise of patience effects major changes within us and impacts that can be seen or developed in no other manner.

Patience allows for the free exercise of trust. When our partner sees that we TRULY are willing to sacrifice the fast path in a relationship for their needs and for the development of our trust in them, they are able to begin to explore us. They are able to begin the process of trust; unconditional, unguarded and unprotected trust. This by its very nature can not be accomplished on any preset time schedule. 

We must also understand that we can not pretend to be exercising patience and engage in subtle manipulation. This results in an internal struggle within us, that our partner will immediately see and sense. We MUST WANT to exercise patience in a unconditional sense of giving. It is the sense that we care for this person, not only for us but FOR THEM. That if the relationship were to not develop for whatever reason, we could walk away from the relationship (but not the person) wanting their happiness for themselves. 

I wrote another piece on this topic. http://auniquelysingleview.blogspot.com/2013/08/ljbf.html

How do we exercise patience though when it comes to a relationship?

We must remember that the exercise of patience is NEVER a passive activity. The key elements of the exercise of patience are humility, empathy and selfless sacrifice. When we are able to communicate with our partner that we are openly willing to put our own "selfish" needs and desires in the relationship on the back burner, this can not help but touch their heart. We are giving them permission to trust on their own schedule; without pressure or expectations. We are telling them that they can love at their own pace and to give of that love ... willingly and freely.

I testify that our own hearts will change. Our frustration will be replaced with Godly love and outwardly focused interest in our partner's feelings, heart, concerns and well-being and they will be touched as well. 

Our selfless sacrifice of patience will CREATE miracles.

Another mighty change will happen as the result of the free exercise of patience. Our eyes and our hearts will be opened in a way we could not have expected. When we "force" ourselves to put our needs aside for a season, we will most assuredly see and feel exactly what our partner is feeling. Why is that?

The reason is because without the exercise of giving patience we are focused on our own well-being, what WE are not getting, what WE want, what WE can not live without. 

The exercise of patience will not only allow us insight into the heart and mind of our partner, but in and of itself will begin to establish a bonding as we SEE and FEEL their heart and mind. When this happens OUR hearts will softened and our partner will see and feel that.

Miracles can happen.

And finally, patience, the exercise of patience will change us. It will change how we view others. It will dampen our tempers. It will lessen judgementalism in our lives. It will calm us and our demeanor. We will become more reflective and a less reactionary person.

Give her the freedom to know you, to trust you and then to come to you and present you with her heart.

I have added a talk on patience from one of our church leader, Dieter Uchtdorf. Take a few minutes to watch and listen. He has a wonderful perspective on patience that is presented in a manner that is much more effective than I have done here.

Please feel free to contact me with other topics that you would like to see addressed here in this blog.

LJBF

Anyone who is or was single has at one time or another has heard the heart-dropping phrase, "Let's just be friends." I don't know that I have ever heard this phrase used in a context that had positive connotations, at least initially when uttered. It is a phrase that we men loathe to hear, but more often than not, after the dust (and tears) have settled, if we are being honest with ourselves, probably knew it was coming all along. But, are we missing perhaps the greatest opportunity in life when we focus on what we want and perhaps miss the pleadings for true friendship with which we are being presented?

I believe that the idea of being "friends" with potential love interests does not have to have a negative connotation and if approached in a selfless, outward-looking, caring mindset can make all the difference in creating a foundation for a truly special long term relationship to flourish.

The reaction to "just" being friends, I am afraid to say, is in many cases a selfish response to circumstances that did not turn out the way we wanted them to, or simply because of another’s choice, or timing, or the need for our partner to assess her feelings. 

Oftentimes, it is true that someone else's behavior or demeanor or actions may make it impossible and undesirable to be friends, but in cases like these, it seems that we "defriend" those who are closest to us one day while the previous day, they were the most important person in our lives.

There is another aspect of "friendship" however as it relates to possible love interests that has more important implications. There is little argument that those of us, whether married, in relationships or wish to be in relationships, want that relationship to be with someone who is not only our lover, confidant, help-meet, but our best friend also. We know that lasting romantic relationships don't just happen. They must be developed and nurtured. It is also a fair assumption that a romantic relationship must be based on a foundation of friendship. So, how (and when) does that friendship get developed and nurtured as well? Does it have to happen before any romantic interests are acted upon? Can it be developed along with a romantic relationship?

It has been my observation, including observing myself, that when someone wants to be "friends first" or "just friends" this is generally not received well by men and I think for several reasons. I know that personally, I want to "know where things are at" or "where they stand" most of the time. Being friends first has a ring of uncertainty to it for us as men, but may be a critical decision for a woman to make. There are no guarantees of what will happen during that phase, but for some reason, a lot of single people want to jump to the romantic side, usually believing that the friendship can be developed in tandem with the romantic relationship. And granted, it can be very difficult to put those attractions aside or throttle them.

I have come to understand that, not only the accepting of such a proposition to be friends first, but active involvement and support, usually of the woman who wants to embark on this approach will do more for a potential long term relationship than perhaps anything else one can do. Why is that?

I have come to believe that this (when done in all honesty and without thoughts or plans of manipulation) commitment to developing a friendship, will do just that. It will allow the parties to get to know each other and develop a foundational friendship. I however believe that that friendship will often be a deeper friendship when the party that perhaps wanted a faster start on the romance sacrifices his or her desires in this area for the needs, wants and desires of their partner to explore the building of the foundation of the friendship first. I believe that, if recognized, this expression of trust and faith and PATIENCE will do more for a potential long term relationship than anything else they could have done.

Developing patience is always a positive activity and personal skill to develop. Nothing will ever be lost when in the pursuit of learning patience.

There is one other aspect that must be mentioned however in this relationship ritual and the concept of friendship. When one party implies that they want to be friends first, it is often put in a very conditional kind of way; that is, some form of "let's be friends and see what happens" is what is said or often an even "safer" approach is used; i.e. "I really want to be friends." For many men, this last statement while seemingly being the most direct is often interpreted or viewed as the most ambiguous. It goes like this. "She said she just wants to be friends. Well, she DIDN'T say that she didn't want more. She wants to spend time with me like she wants more, so maybe she really does want more." This is usually the time that the guy bails out on his previous commitments to being patient and usually kills the whole thing, by forcing an answer from his "friend", as in "OK, where do we really stand" etc. etc.

And this is really my point. It doesn't really matter (again assuming it is the woman that is pushing the friends first approach) at that time what her long term intentions are. It is what matters at the moment that matters most. She wants friendship from you. She wouldn't be investigating that if there was no chance at all for any kind of relationship. (If that really is the case that she only wants a girlfriend, you will probably know in not too long of a period of time or the first time you have a date with someone else and it is very possible you are simply being manipulated.) It is my belief that the asking for a foundation of friendship first IS an expression of trust on her part. If we answer with true concern and trust in return, a couple of things will happen. We will find out if in fact we really want more out of the relationship. She will likely be very open with us. This is what she needs to see in us. Can we be trusted with the confidence of her friendship before she trusts us with her heart?

We need to look on a request for friendship first as an opportunity, not as a thwarting of our intentions. We need to be honest and not manipulative during this phase, but truly engaged in the development of that friendship. If things work out, then a strong foundation has been put in place. If things don't work out, then at the very worst, we have saved time finding out things that would probably have taken us longer to find out, given that romantic entanglements often cloud our vision to the realities of interpersonal engagement and issues of compatibility.

But perhaps most important of all, we should never downplay the importance of what it means to be a good friend that can be relied upon and trusted.

Men? Patience is a skill that must be learned and developed. Give your “friend” room when she asks for it or even when it is implied. Trust me. She is more observant than it may feel. You will go home, wondering how much you matter, wondering when she will come to you and if there is someone else. You will wonder why she is confiding in you on one hand, and not extending the hand of intimacy to you. 

Here is the point. She is! The two most important elements that have attracted her to you is what she knows about you and the wish to trust you. Those MUST happen before she offers her heart of love. She would NEVER share with you if she didn’t at least want to trust you. Make it safe for her. Make your heart a place where her heart can be safe.

Women, just let your friend know that you are ever so thankful for what your “friend” means to you. I have always been amazed as to what a caring “thank you” can mean to me when expressed with meaningful eye contact. Above all, learn and experience and begin to trust. If he is the one to entrust your heart to, you will know it. And when you know it, act on it. Because you can NOT expect him to wait forever. Put that part of your ego aside. As much as you need him to show patience, he needs to know that he matters.