How Dare You Insult Me by Complimenting Me ... or Ten Easy Ways to Push Someone Away You Care For ...

Perhaps the most difficult trait to recognize within ourselves are our insecurities. Recognition of insecurities implies recognizing our weaknesses. It means we have to come face to face with those parts of our personality that we don't like but yet won't or either can't change, but perhaps more salient, accept and admit first to ourselves and then to others.

The inability then to admit those weaknesses to others closest to us results in relationships built on dishonesty.

Those insecurities; those reasons that we, rightly or wrongly, feel we don't measure up become the tool to push those away from us who recognize those insecurities in us, yet continue to want to be close to us.

Perhaps the reasoning goes something like this, at some level.
"We were close back then, and I got hurt. But it wasn't even the hurt, it was the naked exposure of those things that only I know about myself. And he was OK with it! Well, I am not. I don't share that part of me with anyone. How dare he want to get that close and see that part of me. I need those "prying eyes" out of my life. I WILL BE MUCH HAPPIER NOT BEING REMINDED OF MY INSECURITIES.

When the "dance" of these relationships has played themselves out in the now all too familiar script of:

• "uninvited" reaching out to us
• our finding (or creating) fault in that effort. How dare they as we lash back.
• then (and oh doesn't this drive us nuts) their total ignoring of our lashing out with their responses of kindness and understanding
• to which they finally give us what we want, their going away once and for all, recognizing that they can not allow their happiness to be held hostage any longer and they move on (and wishing us well when they do it. Damn, don't we hate it when they do that.)
• to which we usually send one more flaming arrow into the dead corpse of the relationship by accusing them of wishing us well, just to make us feel guilty; to which after time we feel sadness but we put that away because we are now "safe" without the prying eyes.

And the cycle starts up again with another of these so-called "friends" who wants to remind me of why I don't want anyone looking.

We aren't motivated to change now because that "thorn" in our side who has the audacity to see us as we are has gone away.

We are now back in our "safe", unthreatened world of our delusional self-absorption.

What we fail to understand is the utter destruction that we cause in others when we do this. We don't see this because we are so self-absorbed in our view of the world and of ourselves. What we don't recognize is first, the grace of forgiveness that a returning friend had to offer that we have now missed out on and then the carving out of our influence on their spirits and souls.  (Which is met by us with, eventually, "They are better off without me" as our guilt; the only real, true element of ourselves that we are willing to admit, finally closes the solitary dance.

But I want it ... NOW!

“Patience - the gift of being able to see past the emotion. ”

Rodney Williams (born 1959);

Patience is by definition, the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Patience is also characterized as the "virtue of patience" or the "power of patience". Patience and perseverance are often dual linked concepts. Patience is developed, and nurtured much as a growing child and is often known to be as difficult as such.

Indeed, patience is more than a "nice to have" characteristic. Yes patience is a virtue but not for what it is, but for what it has the capacity to develop and enhance; our character. The key question however is why? Why does the acquisition of patience develop character.

The key to understanding this is to realize that it is not the acquisition of patience that develops character as much as the development of patience develops character.

But again, why is patience such a critical element in our character development? The key to answering this question lies in the understanding that the development of character lies in our ability to replace inward selfish looking with focus on others around us and appreciation and attention to someone other than ourselves.

The exercise of patience however is not simply a passive resignation to circumstances beyond our control or grim-faced pouting when we have to grudgingly defer selfish gratification. The exercise of patience is not passive but active. It is an affirmation of the of sacrifice as an element of our character development.

Successful development of patience as a character trait develops confidence in man's mastery over his circumstances. Patience, when acquired becomes a literal power; a power to be exercised as we elevate conscious reasoning over uncontrolled emotion. It is truly an exercise of man's mastery over his nature.

The true power of the exercise of patience however is only seen when exercised in our closest relationships. Classical thoughts of the exercise of patience deal with controlling personal urges with respect to eating, spending decisions and for a child simply learning that she doesn't get dessert at the beginning of the meal.

As with all truly eternal principles however, the power and magnitude of this virtue is shown to be greatest when we are putting aside our personal needs for the benefit of others. In the world of our most personal relationships, whether single, married or in a committed relationship or the desire for such it is the exercise of patience that is the manifestation of true love.

In deep relationships, especially for men, we often have a tendency to move quickly, too quickly. We have what we think is knowledge of what is "right" and the direction that a relationship needs to move. As with any personal interaction, there are considerations of our partner. This is where the exercise of patient bears its sweetest fruits, both for us and our partner.

It is very easy to fall into the trap, again often with men, that we are able to "see" things more clearly than our partner. Oftentimes, the opposite is true, we are blind to her thoughts, feelings and desires. The practice of patience, to allow our partner to come to us, of their own volition and in their own time will most invariably result in a more bonded relationship for the long term, as opposed to inducing pressure, even be it ever so subtle.

The exercise of patience effects major changes within us and impacts that can be seen or developed in no other manner.

Patience allows for the free exercise of trust. When our partner sees that we TRULY are willing to sacrifice the fast path in a relationship for their needs and for the development of our trust in them, they are able to begin to explore us. They are able to begin the process of trust; unconditional, unguarded and unprotected trust. This by its very nature can not be accomplished on any preset time schedule. 

We must also understand that we can not pretend to be exercising patience and engage in subtle manipulation. This results in an internal struggle within us, that our partner will immediately see and sense. We MUST WANT to exercise patience in a unconditional sense of giving. It is the sense that we care for this person, not only for us but FOR THEM. That if the relationship were to not develop for whatever reason, we could walk away from the relationship (but not the person) wanting their happiness for themselves. 

I wrote another piece on this topic. http://auniquelysingleview.blogspot.com/2013/08/ljbf.html

How do we exercise patience though when it comes to a relationship?

We must remember that the exercise of patience is NEVER a passive activity. The key elements of the exercise of patience are humility, empathy and selfless sacrifice. When we are able to communicate with our partner that we are openly willing to put our own "selfish" needs and desires in the relationship on the back burner, this can not help but touch their heart. We are giving them permission to trust on their own schedule; without pressure or expectations. We are telling them that they can love at their own pace and to give of that love ... willingly and freely.

I testify that our own hearts will change. Our frustration will be replaced with Godly love and outwardly focused interest in our partner's feelings, heart, concerns and well-being and they will be touched as well. 

Our selfless sacrifice of patience will CREATE miracles.

Another mighty change will happen as the result of the free exercise of patience. Our eyes and our hearts will be opened in a way we could not have expected. When we "force" ourselves to put our needs aside for a season, we will most assuredly see and feel exactly what our partner is feeling. Why is that?

The reason is because without the exercise of giving patience we are focused on our own well-being, what WE are not getting, what WE want, what WE can not live without. 

The exercise of patience will not only allow us insight into the heart and mind of our partner, but in and of itself will begin to establish a bonding as we SEE and FEEL their heart and mind. When this happens OUR hearts will softened and our partner will see and feel that.

Miracles can happen.

And finally, patience, the exercise of patience will change us. It will change how we view others. It will dampen our tempers. It will lessen judgementalism in our lives. It will calm us and our demeanor. We will become more reflective and a less reactionary person.

Give her the freedom to know you, to trust you and then to come to you and present you with her heart.

I have added a talk on patience from one of our church leader, Dieter Uchtdorf. Take a few minutes to watch and listen. He has a wonderful perspective on patience that is presented in a manner that is much more effective than I have done here.

Please feel free to contact me with other topics that you would like to see addressed here in this blog.

The Difference Between Believing and Knowing

This is a very short romantic story about how we can easily misjudge even those closest to us, ending in needless and senseless pain and mistakes.

Six months ago, I had reached the end of my rope. I was quite literally done. I had heard for the last time “Heavenly Father only gives you the challenges you can handle.”  I was tired of hearing the indirect judgmentalism that is inherent in that so ‘too often’ quoted phrase (one by the way no one can figure out who originally quoted, because we know it wasn’t Christ who said it.)

I never thought that I would survive that time. I just wanted it all to end. Now it a faded memory as I realize that it wasn’t me who got through it. It was only through the tender mercies of the Lord that I was able to be carried through this.  I am still so ashamed that I allowed my faith in my Father in Heaven and my faith in my rock here on earth to wane. How could I have ever doubted the only man I will ever know again; the only man I ever want to know, the only man I have been undeservedly blessed to have in my life and who always has loved me unconditionally.

…

Who is this man sitting next to me in church? A million thoughts are racing through my brain. I was so careful this time. We had a long romance. We spent so much time getting to know each other first. It was hard because I was so attracted to him. I was never quite sure early on if he felt the same way.  Now I know why he was slow. He was the one who wanted to establish a foundation of friendship. I only thought that this was his way of keeping me on the hook.  But he owned me from the minute we met. He owned every part of me; my heart, my soul and my body, if it had ever come to that. I don’t know that I would have resisted because I loved him so much.  That sounds so shallow because it was so much more than that. I wanted him. I wanted only him and no one else. I knew we would be together. The time we spent learning about each other just confirmed that, one day after another.

Once he warmed up to me, there was no holding back this great man. He protected my heart as if it were his own. I know  …. I KNOW that he would have given his life for me and he would have done it in a heartbeat. It was almost as if he already had decided that, if it were ever to happen.

He wasn’t the most physically attractive man I had ever known or been with, at least from what I remember, at first; but I swear his looks changed as he took my heart. When he would look into my eyes, he didn’t just look. His eyes were direct from his soul and when he looked at me, he saw all of me. He saw it all because I gave it all to him; every secret, every wish, every fear, every stupid illogical thought that ever went through my head. And he would just smile and tell me that he loved me more for trusting him with … me.  And I am reminded of this even more so now, as I didn’t trust him.

It was truly a miracle that we made it to the Temple. And again, I have him to thank for that. I am weak. I know how much he felt for me which embarrassed me even more that I could not be as strong as he was. That all went away however, as I saw his weaknesses, his humanness. He taught me the true meaning of the Atonement; something that I will be eternally grateful to him for.

We connected physically in ways that I never did before nor imagined two lovers  could. I truly got a glimpse of eternal companionship through the act of making love with him. From our wedding night till now, he was the most giving man I had ever been with. At times I felt guilty as to how much he paid attention to me, how much he truly loved to give to me when we were together. I truly believe that he would have been perfectly happy to just give. I knew from the moment he first kissed me what kind of lover he would be. The right men are just like that. It isn’t a matter of technique but it is a matter of attention and strangely enough what they do with their eyes. The first time we kissed, it is not that he crassly undressed me with his eyes, but his eyes  …. asked me … first. They slowly approached my soul and gently knocked first before .. “taking me” in his heart. His lips told me everything I needed to know and want from him. His lips caressed mine as his hands caressed my heart. And he knew I was giving my heart to him from that moment.  The way his hands held my face, the way his eyes spoke to me, the way he caressed my hair, were all part of the message .. the message that our hearts and souls spoke and our bodies spoke to each other. I ached for him as he held me close, but we both knew our limits, but again, I knew he was going to have to help me. I knew I loved him and would never love another from the moment of that first kiss.

That was a little over four years ago.

Then, something changed in him (was it just him?) Something began to rise from deep inside of him. Something that I never knew was there. Something that he has kept hidden from me. And that is what hurt me the most. I gave him EVERY part of me. I gave him parts of me that NO ONE else knew or would ever know about. And whatever it is, it was killing us.

I had to do something about it. We sat down after another deathly quiet dinner. I left the plates on the table. I had it all planned out. I was angry. I wanted him to know I was angry and yes I wanted him to know that I was going to leave him. I slowly walked over to him on the couch as he sat in silence and stood in front of him, knowing what I had to say, but for the first time in a long time, feeling the firm but quiet voice of the Spirit constraining me, at least for the moment. He looked up at me, with tears flowing down his face. My feelings of anger and frustration began to flow out of the deepest parts of my being, as I fell to my knees and hugged him as I haven’t done in a very long time. My emotions flowed from me as tears poured down my face.

I knew that he had to decide to come to me and I knew he knew it. He knew I was there for him. He knew I was always there for him, but this, whatever this was, was bigger than both of us.

We said nothing as went to bed and began the physical process of reconciliation in each other’s arms. We both desperately needed each other at that moment. I believe to this day that this is one of the true blessings of physical intimacy that Heavenly Father has given to us; to connect our bodies and our souls to each other at times that we need each other the most.

As we lay in each other’s arms, just holding each other, I whispered one word to him; “Please”. It was then that he told me what had begun to change him; what secret he had buried long ago, but could not keep from me any longer.

I was expecting the worst; any one of several “worsts”. The first, being of course what any women worries about. After that, I just didn’t know; that he was dying, a financial problem, some kind of criminal past that has caught up with him?

We didn’t have children. I always knew I couldn’t have children. I had had multiple relationships where this was a red flag issue; but not for William. I think that this is what drew me the most, at least initially to him. With him, I had to tell him early on in the relationship. We both knew right from the start that we had a chance together. I had to get that out of the way. It wasn’t the fact that he accepted me regardless of my inability to have children, it was the way he accepted it. His first and only reaction was not for “his loss” but for mine. When I told him, all he did was hold me. That is all he had to do.

I knew that William had members of his family that he was not close to. There were some in his family that he rarely spoke about. All families have their black sheep issues. I always just accepted that for what I thought it was; just family “stuff”. I could never be more wrong.  Do you know how, at times, you are involved in a situation or a discussion and you literally feel as if you are having an out of body experience? This is exactly how I felt, with William in my arms, as vulnerable as a man can be, telling me that he and his sisters had been abused, badly, when they were children, by two family members.  They were convicted and due to a quirk in the sentencing guidelines, were being released soon.

I couldn’t grasp what I was hearing. My emotions and mind were overwhelmed; Why didn’t he ever tell me this before? Didn’t he trust me? But maybe this is something that is so bad for a man, that he had to bury it? My poor poor man. How could anyone do this to a child? How terrible must this burden have been for my sweetheart to have carried it alone for so long.

All I could think to do was to hold him, and cry with him.

It was then at that precise moment that our healing began. Why? Because all he cared about was me.  It then struck me that I, yes I, had made this worse. I had started pulling away from him and forcing him deeper within himself when I knew something was wrong. I caused an amount of this hurt. And all he could care about was … me.

It was no exaggeration that at that moment I touched the face of God.  My sweetheart had suffered unspeakably and immeasurably and the first thing he does is unconditionally forgive me for my selfish self-centered pity. I did not deserve this man. But Heavenly Father, in his ever infinite wisdom entrusted us to each other. And I was considering leaving him.

Over the next several months, William was able to deal with the implications of his assailants being released from prison. We found a fantastic therapist, for both of us.

Our love and trust for each has reached places that I can only describe as everything that I had always hoped for but never really believed I would have. I think what has improved the most is the trust. In a sense the trust and love we have now reaches into our innermost beings where words are not necessary to reassure each other.

It is the difference between believing and knowing and it has made all the difference in the world.

LJBF

Anyone who is or was single has at one time or another has heard the heart-dropping phrase, "Let's just be friends." I don't know that I have ever heard this phrase used in a context that had positive connotations, at least initially when uttered. It is a phrase that we men loathe to hear, but more often than not, after the dust (and tears) have settled, if we are being honest with ourselves, probably knew it was coming all along. But, are we missing perhaps the greatest opportunity in life when we focus on what we want and perhaps miss the pleadings for true friendship with which we are being presented?

I believe that the idea of being "friends" with potential love interests does not have to have a negative connotation and if approached in a selfless, outward-looking, caring mindset can make all the difference in creating a foundation for a truly special long term relationship to flourish.

The reaction to "just" being friends, I am afraid to say, is in many cases a selfish response to circumstances that did not turn out the way we wanted them to, or simply because of another’s choice, or timing, or the need for our partner to assess her feelings. 

Oftentimes, it is true that someone else's behavior or demeanor or actions may make it impossible and undesirable to be friends, but in cases like these, it seems that we "defriend" those who are closest to us one day while the previous day, they were the most important person in our lives.

There is another aspect of "friendship" however as it relates to possible love interests that has more important implications. There is little argument that those of us, whether married, in relationships or wish to be in relationships, want that relationship to be with someone who is not only our lover, confidant, help-meet, but our best friend also. We know that lasting romantic relationships don't just happen. They must be developed and nurtured. It is also a fair assumption that a romantic relationship must be based on a foundation of friendship. So, how (and when) does that friendship get developed and nurtured as well? Does it have to happen before any romantic interests are acted upon? Can it be developed along with a romantic relationship?

It has been my observation, including observing myself, that when someone wants to be "friends first" or "just friends" this is generally not received well by men and I think for several reasons. I know that personally, I want to "know where things are at" or "where they stand" most of the time. Being friends first has a ring of uncertainty to it for us as men, but may be a critical decision for a woman to make. There are no guarantees of what will happen during that phase, but for some reason, a lot of single people want to jump to the romantic side, usually believing that the friendship can be developed in tandem with the romantic relationship. And granted, it can be very difficult to put those attractions aside or throttle them.

I have come to understand that, not only the accepting of such a proposition to be friends first, but active involvement and support, usually of the woman who wants to embark on this approach will do more for a potential long term relationship than perhaps anything else one can do. Why is that?

I have come to believe that this (when done in all honesty and without thoughts or plans of manipulation) commitment to developing a friendship, will do just that. It will allow the parties to get to know each other and develop a foundational friendship. I however believe that that friendship will often be a deeper friendship when the party that perhaps wanted a faster start on the romance sacrifices his or her desires in this area for the needs, wants and desires of their partner to explore the building of the foundation of the friendship first. I believe that, if recognized, this expression of trust and faith and PATIENCE will do more for a potential long term relationship than anything else they could have done.

Developing patience is always a positive activity and personal skill to develop. Nothing will ever be lost when in the pursuit of learning patience.

There is one other aspect that must be mentioned however in this relationship ritual and the concept of friendship. When one party implies that they want to be friends first, it is often put in a very conditional kind of way; that is, some form of "let's be friends and see what happens" is what is said or often an even "safer" approach is used; i.e. "I really want to be friends." For many men, this last statement while seemingly being the most direct is often interpreted or viewed as the most ambiguous. It goes like this. "She said she just wants to be friends. Well, she DIDN'T say that she didn't want more. She wants to spend time with me like she wants more, so maybe she really does want more." This is usually the time that the guy bails out on his previous commitments to being patient and usually kills the whole thing, by forcing an answer from his "friend", as in "OK, where do we really stand" etc. etc.

And this is really my point. It doesn't really matter (again assuming it is the woman that is pushing the friends first approach) at that time what her long term intentions are. It is what matters at the moment that matters most. She wants friendship from you. She wouldn't be investigating that if there was no chance at all for any kind of relationship. (If that really is the case that she only wants a girlfriend, you will probably know in not too long of a period of time or the first time you have a date with someone else and it is very possible you are simply being manipulated.) It is my belief that the asking for a foundation of friendship first IS an expression of trust on her part. If we answer with true concern and trust in return, a couple of things will happen. We will find out if in fact we really want more out of the relationship. She will likely be very open with us. This is what she needs to see in us. Can we be trusted with the confidence of her friendship before she trusts us with her heart?

We need to look on a request for friendship first as an opportunity, not as a thwarting of our intentions. We need to be honest and not manipulative during this phase, but truly engaged in the development of that friendship. If things work out, then a strong foundation has been put in place. If things don't work out, then at the very worst, we have saved time finding out things that would probably have taken us longer to find out, given that romantic entanglements often cloud our vision to the realities of interpersonal engagement and issues of compatibility.

But perhaps most important of all, we should never downplay the importance of what it means to be a good friend that can be relied upon and trusted.

Men? Patience is a skill that must be learned and developed. Give your “friend” room when she asks for it or even when it is implied. Trust me. She is more observant than it may feel. You will go home, wondering how much you matter, wondering when she will come to you and if there is someone else. You will wonder why she is confiding in you on one hand, and not extending the hand of intimacy to you. 

Here is the point. She is! The two most important elements that have attracted her to you is what she knows about you and the wish to trust you. Those MUST happen before she offers her heart of love. She would NEVER share with you if she didn’t at least want to trust you. Make it safe for her. Make your heart a place where her heart can be safe.

Women, just let your friend know that you are ever so thankful for what your “friend” means to you. I have always been amazed as to what a caring “thank you” can mean to me when expressed with meaningful eye contact. Above all, learn and experience and begin to trust. If he is the one to entrust your heart to, you will know it. And when you know it, act on it. Because you can NOT expect him to wait forever. Put that part of your ego aside. As much as you need him to show patience, he needs to know that he matters.

We are responsible for own happiness?

A kindly bishop once opined, in a private discussion, perhpas this "happiness thing isn't what it is all cracked up to be".

"We are responsible for own happiness."

I don't think a day goes by that we are not bombarded with good meaning and good intentioned "philosophers", wearing the garments of our friends, family, acquaintances, trying to convince us, often behind the veil of their own unhappiness, that we need to "be responsible for our own happiness." 

However, truth be told, it is our self-possessed search for our own happiness, that has turned us into an inward-looking, self-absorbed, selfish and unhappy people.

Somewhere along the way we have convinced ourselves, THAT WE DON'T NEED EACH OTHER; that our well-being and others' well-being are indepdendent, non-intersecting concepts. We have convinced ourselves that we can, on our own, be the best and happiest we can be, in our insular worlds. 

It is precisely because we are hyper-focused on our own happiness that we, as a people, a culture and a society are so terribly unhappy. It is precisely because we are so alone that we are so unhappy; but we have also, in the depths of our unhappiness, have convinced ourselves that we are as happy as we can be, in our aloneness.

Are we responsible for own happiness? Yes.  Our choices are ours alone to make. However, as much as we would like to believe that we have unilateral control over our reactions to others we interact with, the truth of the matter is that we are affected by the actions (and even thoughts of others, of us) but more sobering is that how others treat us is impacted by how we think of and deal with others. We have confused the concept of free agency with interconnectedness.

Can we be completed by interactions, service and, even yes, relationships with others?  Yes, but it can only begin to happen when it is the happiness of others that is the focus of our interactions, service and relationships with others.

Can we ever expect to achieve that happiness ... alone? I think that is up to each of us to ultimately answer for ourselves. That is, does the happiness of others really mean anything to us?

The "happiest" people in the world, seem to be those who are the most humble, those with the least of what we denote as possessions that make us happy and those who are most connected with those around them; from the humble grandmothers of Russia, worshipping in churches that are tourist depots to others, but places of worship to them ... to the natives of Ethiopia ... to even some of the homeless on our own streets. 

Online dating - Just once

New blog. Singles issues; dating, cooking, living, jobs, when to move for someone, how to deal with her having kids, what is too much of an age difference, recovering economically from divorce, romantic thoughts, pretty much a potpourri of topics.

Short and to the point today .....

Online singles sites have become the prime mode of contact for many singles around the country and the world. Participants view any of a number of photographs, peruse a profile written hopefully convince a reader to initiate contact and well, that is pretty much the process.

I just wondered, if for one day, everyone agreed to look at the photos and profiles and think "What can I do to make this person's life better or happier?" instead of "Would this person make me happy?", would we improve our chances of actually meeting someone where we would have a chance of long lasting happiness?